Numb

It's one of those times... I really hate it... My head feels so full of nonsensical thoughts, zooming around inside..so fast that I actually just manage to grasp tiny bits of each at a time, and before I've figured it out, the next thought has already nudged it's way through and is trying to explain itself to me. It's horrible, these thoughts are with me at all times, when I'm studying, when I'm hanging out with friends...and worst of all...when I'm trying to sleep. The latter has become almost impossible lately..and it's frustrating me a lot.. So much so, that I apparently shouted out in my partial sleepy state last night, scaring the hell out of my room mate, who immediately switched off the lights and ran out of the room.

Why am I writing this? Actually the question is why are you even reading this? Cuz this has nothing interesting for you guys... I just needed to unclog my brain and get some of the haunting thoughts out of it. Don't you sometimes wish that you had Dumbledore's pensieve? It would make times like this so much easier to deal with.

Everyone's pretty sure that it's CAT tension that I'm going through. So how come none of my thoughts are about CAT? Or even my future for that matter? How come I'm worrying about how I made my best friend cry the other day by being too frank, or how everyone thinks I'm extremely sensible and mature while one person, someone I don't even care about managed to figure out that I'm not? Why can't I get some of these people out of my mind? A close friend who's suddenly too busy to find time to meet me, someone I love being ok without the love, someone I can't figure out featuring in my thoughts regularly simply because I can't figure him out, someone flirting with me even though both of us know he's just kidding, someone being absolutely perfect and yet being so far from perfection for me......

Why have I suddenly started caring? The last few months were bliss because I had suddenly stopped feeling anything. Numbness.. I loved it... A state of feeling no emotions at all. People could do or say whatever they wanted, and it just didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't feel happiness perhaps... but there was no sadness, no jealousy, no confusion...no emotions whatsoever. I suddenly felt so above it all... It was beautiful.

And now suddenly I have this huge wall of emotions crashing over me, I'm feeling everything at the same time, and I can't even figure out what emotion is when and for what. Before, I used to push an emotion to it's limits just to pass over into the numbness... With so many emotions on the loose, I can no longer do that.

I hate this.... I want my numbness back... That lovely numbness.