Sunday, October 01, 2006

Choice

I went through my music collection and sighed – all of them were love songs. For the first time I wished I’d taken a little bit more interest in rock, or maybe even metal. Half an hour of going through CDs and cassettes, and I knew it was a futile task. There was nothing there to get me out of my current state of depression.
I moved out of my depressing room and switched on the TV; 7 o’ clock – time for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. This particular sitcom about six unusual and yet so familiar characters was bound to get my spirits up… Ten minutes into the show, and I knew I’d made a bad choice yet again. I felt like shaking the television set, or at least throw something at it – How could Chandler and Monica, Rachel and Ross, Phoebe and Mike, Joey and Rachel… too much love, too nauseating. I looked around for something to destroy, something to make that crappy idiot box shut up. Thankfully, I found the remote control before the paper weights…. Or I would’ve been in bigger trouble, and would have had proper reason to cry then!
I walked around the house, on the terrace, covered every inch of the apartment, but still couldn’t clear my head. Thoughts, memories, oh such sweet memories kept torturing me. Things I had till a day ago.. things I could never have again. Should I be angry? Should I hate Him? Should I have gone ahead and hit Him, the way I’d always imagined I would if someone did something like this to me?
No. it wasn’t His fault. He couldn’t help it.
Not His fault? What total crap! All those things He used to say, they were just lies, weren’t they?
No. He had meant it then. Things change, people change…
Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!
It was so much easier to shut everyone else up, but what was I supposed to do to escape from my own thoughts? I looked at some kids playing in the park – so innocent, so carefree, so happy.
Happy. He was happy as well the other day.
I waited for my conscience to come up with a rational explanation for that, something to make me feel better this time.
Blank.
Blank? That’s it? How could it be true? How could he be happy…. without me? a tear escaped from the corner of my eye, and I didn’t wipe it off. I was too used to it now. I’d barely ever cried in my entire life, and now I seemed to be making up for it. My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sound, the melodious ring tone of my cellphone. I rushed to it, eager to hear his voice… no, it wasn’t him. Just a friend, wanting to talk about her boyfriend probably. No, I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want her to pity me. Poor little me.
Books, orkut, friends, music, people, emotions…. Zilch.
I didn’t need these things. All I needed was Him.

Yes, I needed to get away. Away from all this pity, away from my friends, away from everything acutely resembled my life. Yes, I should talk to someone who wasn’t like me at all, so I called my new found almost non-existent friend. But as I sat stirring my mocktail, which like everything else didn’t turn out to be the way I’d expected, I felt my friends eyes boring into me. No pity, no affection. What was that expression on his face?
An unexpectedly good day, and I felt thankful to be able to call someone when I needed to take my mind off things. But my friend’s expression still bothered me. As the time to part came near, I finally looked deep into his eyes and was about to ask when he spoke instead… “I’m never depressed, cuz I choose not to be.” He left. I don’t know when I’l speak to him again. As always, we would probably lose touch for months…
On the metro, I impulsively called Him up, simply because that’s what I always used to do. Short conversation. Thoughts began to creep back. I could feel a tear balancing precariously in the corner of my eye, about to spill out.
I’m never depressed, cuz I choose not to be.
I smiled. I wiped my tear away. Not now, not for a long time. I laughed. I looked out at the beautiful sky. I closed my eyes and listened to the music playing on the radio held by a wannabe some seats away. I opened my eyes. It was night. And yet, it was a brand new day.

15 comments:

abhilasha said...

i dunno why u've posted this up bt jst wanna say tht m really happy for u coz now even ur nt gonna be depressed coz tht definitely is nt there in ur list of choices..keep smiling always..take care..

Anonymous said...

shruti.

you write so wonderfully.

zombie said...

sorry....

shreya said...

@ abhilasha... thanx... i know ul always be there for me.
@ shruti... thanx, even though i wrote this more for myself. and im sorry, but im not sure which shruti u r... oops..
@ zombie... please dont b. it wasnt your fault.

arsh said...

hmmmmm...............

Anonymous said...

oh shruti shridhar. i say. how rude.

it might be personal, but its on your blog. cheers shreya.

Anonymous said...

@ shruti.... thought it would b u!!! what happened toyour blog missy??

Amiya said...

Fiction? Half fiction? Not fiction..?

shreya said...

yeah.... half fiction.... most of it was true.... other than the getting over it, n finding a guy with money...
tho i probably wouldnt mind the latter!!

Amiya said...

Ah okay.

Bhangi said...

manzilein aur bhi hain...

Kulpreet said...

Love life, not people.
That is the secret.
And, u will find, by doing that, u end up winning people.

shreya said...

Kulpreet.... Thats an interesting thought...but do u really think its possible??

Kulpreet said...

I think it is possible, though it might be a little difficult.
give it a try: be kind to yourself, your life and those around you.
your being at peace will win others for you.

Alankrita said...

Well the first cut is always the deepest.....

but you know what.... it only gets better.. then at a certain stage you just get ready to leave off the wholee love thing.. too many wrong choices, too many wrong people...


and voila thats when the magic happens....

you write well. Lets see some more stuff.