Now, I usually criticize blogs which go on about what the blogger did that day, what time he got up, what coloured shirt he wore, which flavour of cereals he ate etc etc…. But once in a while, I guess I’m allowed to write an equally boring post about my day.
Till yesterday, I had never realized how much I had changed in college. I always used to find it amusing to see friends go through amazing transformations, some for the better, n some definitely for the worse. And yet, all this time, it never occurred to me, that it was possible for me to have changed as well!
So yesterday, some of my school friends came over to my place for the day. Except, this time instead of the sweet innocent girl, the weirdo geek, and the geek with an inflated head, I met, a not so sweet or innocent girl, the suddenly cool dude, and well… the geek with a slightly more inflated head!! We spent the day chatting ( a lot! ), eating (oh, a lot!) and catching up on each others lives; lives that were so different now it was hard to imagine all of us sitting in the same boring Chillz class just a few years ago. I never had a great life in school, until I met these guys, and yet even after that, I had never missed school. And since I knew that everyone had changed so much, I never thought I would miss it at all. And yet, by the end of the day, there was one thing that hadn’t changed in any of them… they were still the wackiest and weirdest kids I knew! And for the first time, I missed them more than anything else in my life.
It was only after they left that I started thinking about the day. I hadn’t laughed that way for a long time. I hadn’t been sarcastic for a long time. I hadn’t done weird things for a long time. I hadn’t heard tales about the third hair in the left nostril for a very long time. And then it struck me, I hadn’t been me for a long time.
It’s natural to adapt to the new culture and people in college. But what happens if you just don’t find your type of people? Do you look for them outside your college? Do you turn into a loner? Or do you just change yourself to be more like them?
I guess like zillions of other people, I chose the last option. And somehow I never even realized it, until suddenly I found myself almost a stranger in my old world.
Now, perhaps I should go on about what I thought and how I reached a decision (which can actually be interesting, considering that my brain works in the weirdest ways!), but I’m sure I’m already going to get a rude and sarcastic remark from a certain somebody… So I’ll spare all of you the torture…
I went through my music collection and sighed – all of them were love songs. For the first time I wished I’d taken a little bit more interest in rock, or maybe even metal. Half an hour of going through CDs and cassettes, and I knew it was a futile task. There was nothing there to get me out of my current state of depression.
I moved out of my depressing room and switched on the TV; 7 o’ clock – time for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. This particular sitcom about six unusual and yet so familiar characters was bound to get my spirits up… Ten minutes into the show, and I knew I’d made a bad choice yet again. I felt like shaking the television set, or at least throw something at it – How could Chandler and Monica, Rachel and Ross, Phoebe and Mike, Joey and Rachel… too much love, too nauseating. I looked around for something to destroy, something to make that crappy idiot box shut up. Thankfully, I found the remote control before the paper weights…. Or I would’ve been in bigger trouble, and would have had proper reason to cry then!
I walked around the house, on the terrace, covered every inch of the apartment, but still couldn’t clear my head. Thoughts, memories, oh such sweet memories kept torturing me. Things I had till a day ago.. things I could never have again. Should I be angry? Should I hate Him? Should I have gone ahead and hit Him, the way I’d always imagined I would if someone did something like this to me? No. it wasn’t His fault. He couldn’t help it. Not His fault? What total crap! All those things He used to say, they were just lies, weren’t they? No. He had meant it then. Things change, people change… Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!
It was so much easier to shut everyone else up, but what was I supposed to do to escape from my own thoughts? I looked at some kids playing in the park – so innocent, so carefree, so happy.
Happy. He was happy as well the other day.
I waited for my conscience to come up with a rational explanation for that, something to make me feel better this time. Blank.
Blank? That’s it? How could it be true? How could he be happy…. without me? a tear escaped from the corner of my eye, and I didn’t wipe it off. I was too used to it now. I’d barely ever cried in my entire life, and now I seemed to be making up for it. My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sound, the melodious ring tone of my cellphone. I rushed to it, eager to hear his voice… no, it wasn’t him. Just a friend, wanting to talk about her boyfriend probably. No, I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want her to pity me. Poor little me.
Books, orkut, friends, music, people, emotions…. Zilch.
I didn’t need these things. All I needed was Him.
Yes, I needed to get away. Away from all this pity, away from my friends, away from everything acutely resembled my life. Yes, I should talk to someone who wasn’t like me at all, so I called my new found almost non-existent friend. But as I sat stirring my mocktail, which like everything else didn’t turn out to be the way I’d expected, I felt my friends eyes boring into me. No pity, no affection. What was that expression on his face?
An unexpectedly good day, and I felt thankful to be able to call someone when I needed to take my mind off things. But my friend’s expression still bothered me. As the time to part came near, I finally looked deep into his eyes and was about to ask when he spoke instead… “I’m never depressed, cuz I choose not to be.” He left. I don’t know when I’l speak to him again. As always, we would probably lose touch for months…
On the metro, I impulsively called Him up, simply because that’s what I always used to do. Short conversation. Thoughts began to creep back. I could feel a tear balancing precariously in the corner of my eye, about to spill out. I’m never depressed, cuz I choose not to be.
I smiled. I wiped my tear away. Not now, not for a long time. I laughed. I looked out at the beautiful sky. I closed my eyes and listened to the music playing on the radio held by a wannabe some seats away. I opened my eyes. It was night. And yet, it was a brand new day.