Something’s wrong, and I can’t really explain what. And that, is the problem. I’ve always been used to being one of those extremely open people, who don’t bother keeping any thoughts and feelings to themselves, who believe that talking things out, in painful details is one of the best ways of making things work and staying away from misunderstandings. And it’s worked for me till now. When thoughts crowded my head, and I didn’t want someone specific to talk to, I would just blog away to glory.
But something’s wrong.
It’s been nagging at me for quite some time now, but recently, it stared me starkly in the face, and left me with no choice but to accept it. There was an issue, a misunderstanding; I had to explain, to discuss it out. But I just couldn’t. I could not get myself to open my mouth and chatter away the usual way I would. I felt so much more peaceful in my head, closing my eyes and making it all go away, blocking out the eyes boring into me and begging for an explanation. I just felt no need to explain my thoughts, my views. You either got it yourself, or it just wasn’t that important. It’d all go away with time. All I wanted was to be left alone. Yet my brain wished that I could somehow communicate it all without really saying it out loud. I knew it was important. For once, I actually cared.
I spoke, somehow, forced myself to. Yet it didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want to. I don’t know how and when this started. Was it with the friend, who hit me with a wave of old emotions, of realisations, of chances of finding myself again? Or did it start with my inability to be able to understand my own actions and feelings, the inability to trust myself? When did I turn anti-social? Since when do I actually prefer being alone at times?
When did I stop expressing myself?
When did I stop writing?