Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Almighty Fear

Recently, due to a certain happening, I found myself drawn towards praying. I tossed and turned for a day, then decided that that this was big, big enough to actually go to the temple once and pray. So I got into bed, deciding in my mind to wake up early in the morning and visit the temple on campus.

7 am... Alarm rings

First thought in my head...temple... yet something held me back. I delayed it, snoozed the alarm innumerable times, stayed in bed, tossed and turned till I couldn’t delay it any further, when I knew I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t actually go through with it. So I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, woke up my friends for the morning class, and then stopped. I still couldn’t head there myself. So I dragged my friend with me. All the way till the gate of the temple.
I took off my footwear, and slowly headed inside. The silence was peaceful, yet so deafening. The emptiness seemed to bore through me. I approached the idol slowly, and stood there for a second. Then I pushed my guilt to the back of my mind, and prayed. It may have been barely a minute, but it was long enough in my head.

Then I heaved a sigh of relief, turned, and headed out of the temple, feeling better with every retreating step.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an atheist. I don’t think I’m that strong. I do pray quite sometimes. I have gone to temples with my family. But never on my own. I never felt the need to. I’m not a strong believer of religion or idols or specific Gods. And after these thoughts, going to the temple, only when I needed to, was weighing down on my conscience more than I ever thought possible.

But I still went when I was in need.

I felt....cowardly.

I was guilty as charged.

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